When Grief Strikes – 9 Tips for Helping Children
My heart was breaking with grief as all of the signs began to add up that something was terribly wrong with my little girl: startling at every little sound, being too floppy to learn to sit, crying inconsolably, gaining skills and then losing them.
The long, drawn-out, terrifying wait during a series of doctor’s visits and hospital stays to find out what the problem was. The slowly diminishing loss of hope that she would ever be okay.
When my son was just about to enter kindergarten, my daughter was diagnosed with a fatal, degenerative genetic disease. While I was trying to cope with my grief, watching my one year old deteriorate until she didn’t recognize me anymore, I was also trying to keep my bright, inquisitive 5 year old feeling safe and growing up as normally as possible.
It was a very long, unimaginably difficult 3 years watching my daughter slowly go into a comatose state until she passed, while still working and attempting to keep a normal home life for my son.
Whether you are dealing with a personal tragedy, going through having a child diagnosed, or dealing with the after-effects of massive storms or terrorist attacks, the world just doesn’t seem as safe anymore.
If we feel this as adults, how does it affect the children we work with? Try these 9 tips when grief strikes.
What did I learn that can be helpful to you?
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Be sure to keep your young child’s comfort toy, blanket, or security item with you. This is a good parenting tip even when your life is calm!
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Young children get their sense of security from the adults around them. The better you are at accepting the changes and keeping as much of their routines intact, the more likely children will continue to feel secure.
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Children do not grieve the way adults do. They can be playing, seemingly happily, and then run to you for comfort or to ask a question. Remember their attention spans are short, so answer questions briefly and factually.
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When they have received the information they were looking for, or the hug they needed, they will run back to whatever they were doing as if it had never happened. If you see your child’s eyes glaze over or they start to fidget, they are telling you, “Too much!” So give the important information first!
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If you are having problems coping, your child will, too. This is totally understandable when dealing with major issues.
Just be sure to reach out and get help for yourself when you need it.
What about if you are working in the schools with children affected by drastic events?
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You are part of their safety net, so try to keep your school routines as close to usual as possible. When you can, laugh over the minor things you are having to do to cope with changed circumstances. Laughter is needed!
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Listen and respond calmly and factually when students ask a question or bring up a difficult topic. If they go back to work right after, then you have met their need at the moment.
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It is okay to respond that you don’t know, but you will try to find out for them.
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It is okay to just acknowledge how difficult this is, and how they must be feeling. Pay attention to the child’s body language, facial expression, and tone of voice. Then, specifically label the emotion that they are feeling, so they have the language for it.
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If some of your students are more withdrawn, more emotional, or just somehow not right compared to the general population, be sure to reach out to get them help. The whole family may need support to help them through this tough time.
While I wish we weren’t experiencing difficult times, I hope these tips will help you cope. And I am so very grateful to say that my son did grow up to be a wonderful adult who works helping others. I am thankful every day for my healthy children.
